Debut novelist kills first-time sushi chef

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Image by evo_terra via Flickr"][/caption]

I engaged in an interesting experiment today. And now that I'm done wanting to bang my head against the sharp corner of my desk, I find  the results interesting.

This started with me seeing an ad for a terrible-looking book with a terrible-sounding title with terribly-written teaser copy and a terribly-illustrated cover¹. And if that wasn't enough, the words "DEBUT NOVELIST" were proudly on display.

Ugh.

By now you know that I'm deeply involved in yet another publishing initiative, this time focused on training/educating authors on the new digital publishing landscape of today. Glutton for punishment? That's me.

And it was with that eye that I realized: authors and publishers have imbued the word debut with legendary status. I've seen that word -- or heard that word -- associated with new books by new authors countless times.

The amazing debut novel from... Ground-breaking  work by debut novelist...

The marketer in me² couldn't let it go. Was that word somehow a trigger that publishers and authors have learned enhances the purchasing response? Would adding the word "debut" to a book somehow increase the chance of someone deciding to purchase the book?

So I did the only logical thing that a skeptic would do: I ran the most unscientific test I could devise in the 3.4 seconds I thought about it. I asked FACEBOOK!

My first attempt was met with abject failure. I asked the following question:

Dumb-ass me. I of course got plenty of answers like "A" and "B". [sigh] So I resolved to re-write the question in somewhat of a less ambiguous way. Hence my new missive:

This time I learned an interesting and valuable lesson: People don't fucking read! Not that they don't read books, mind you. They just don't read questions well. Or rather, they try and anticipate some hidden meaning behind your question. Worse still, they play out a whole conspiratorial scene in their head, crafting their answer as to somehow keep them in good graces with whatever group might read too much into the answer.

Just. Answer. The. Fucking. Question!

Yes, I had an answer I was trying to get to, you idiot! But it was not whether or not I see value in a new authors work. Nor was I trying to infer that you should only stick to the books you know. Nor do I give a shit about how many new authors you discovered because you took the chance on an unknown. News flash, dipshit: I've done the same fucking thing! As I said before:

Just. Answer. The. Fucking. Question!

So I decided to show just how inane the answers were. Because really, in no other purchasing decision I can think of is it ever, EVER, beneficial to shout out to the masses, "Holy hatshit, folks! Hurry up and give me all your money while I'm new, clueless and PERFECT, 'cuz I'll be worth dick-squat when I take a second swing!"

That just doesn't happen. And to prove my point, I sent out this slightly tweaked question to the Facebookers who have the bad sense to follow me:

Yes. That is the point I was trying to make. You dumb-ass, you. And to drive it home more, there's this:

Authors and publishers: Please, pretty please, with sugar on it. Stop adding the word "debut" to your books. I already know I don't know you. You're not helping things telling me it's your first book. You may think that is somehow a buying signal, especially if you read the comments left on my status updates. But I assure you this: all of those people are lying. Through their teeth. Don't get me wrong. They have the best intentions at heart and do not even know that they are lying. Kinda like many psychics. But it's a lie none the same.

Write. Get better. Write again. Rinse. Repeat. Publish as soon as you can, for a back-catalog is key. But stop putting a barrier to entry on me trying out your book. It's great that it's your first book. Impress your mom with that shit. Me? I just want you to be a decent writer. Telling me you're new at this doesn't tempt me to buy. It just makes me think you probably suck. So icks-nay on the oobie-nu-ay, OK?

 

^{1 - No, I won't put you through the trauma of showing you the book. I've wiped it from my memory. You are welcome.}

^{2 - Don't hate, motherfuckers. It puts food on the table and I'm not evil.}

I can't take this shit no mo'...

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Image via Wikipedia"][/caption]

So as it turns out, I'm in a shit mood tonight. And against my own better judgment, I'm gonna blog about it.

I've let my shit mood overtake me tonight in all the things I do. That means I've dropped the filter. Any missives sent tonight are pure, unadulterated Evo. In charge tonight is the guy who's not in the mood for any bullshit. He won't budge an inch. And he'll probably relish in telling you this.

Does that offend you? Tonight, I couldn't care less. Hell, to speak the truth, I probably never could care less. It's this fucking "social contract" we're mired in that causes me to think I should care more. But in reality I don't. And I think deep down inside, many of you probably don't either.

So why do we do it? Why do we continue to play along with the game when we know there's no desirable outcome for us? Why do we play nice when the ex-crackhead comes to the door schlepping magazines? Why do we say things like "how are you?" when we don't give two dogs' dicks what your answer is? Why do we pretend not to notice when the slob next so us is farting up a storm?

We're pussies. That's why.

We're so caught up in propriety and playing nice so much that we just can't say what we really feel. What we really think. Because we're afraid we might offend someone. That we might show our true colors, and those colors will clash with others.

Well, not me. Fuck all that. I'm giving you me, with both barrels, whether you like it or not. I'm calling it like it is, you to the carpet, a spade a spade... and other metaphors I don't care enough to recount right now.

...for tonight, at least. Tomorrow? Yeah, I'll probably re-engage with the social contract. After all, it's what keeps our society running. And who am I to judge?

Crossing the line on friendship

Updated the day after April 1st, 2011 - Why yes, this was my half-hearted attempt at an April Fool's missive for 2011. Not a lot of folks here in town were suckered in, but more than one from afar fell for it. Heh. I suck.

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you've probably seen a few... well let's just call them odd updates from me from time to time. OK, sure. Most of my updates are odd, but these tend to be rather out of character.

You see, Jeff Moriarty and I work together during the day. And our office computers are literally a few feet a part. We started this game sometime ago where if one of us leaves our computer unattended, the other is almost obligated to hijack Twitter or Facebook for a raunchy post or two. It's all in good fun.

Or rather, it was.

I once gain left my computer unattended for a while yesterday, and Jeff proceeded to do what he does. There's no use in looking for the evidence. I followed my normal procedure and deleted the offending update from both Facebook and Twitter. This time, however, I wish I didn't.

Here's where it gets a little uncomfortable. I happened to be doing a little online banking on that computer. I don't worry about that too much since the bank times the session out after just a few minutes of inactivity. But Jeff is a swooper and manages to get on the computer literally seconds after I walk away. So while he was doing what he was doing, the online banking window was still open.

And when I check my accounts this morning, I see that $500 has been transferred to an account I don't recognize.

...

Funny? Not so much. I'm still shaking a little as I write this, as I'm not exactly sure how I'll address the situation. I'm pissed, puzzled and seriously thinking of pressing charges. The fun, is over.

I really find the whole thing hard to believe. And to think that it happened today... of all days. It's really unbelievable.

Don't let this happen to you. Don't let things get out of hand. Always lock your computer. Oh, and check your calendar.

I've been called a dick by better people than you

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="375" caption="this is a giant cock by permanently scatterbrained, on Flickr"][/caption]As it turns out, I'm a dick.

Some background for the uninitiated: I run¹ a website called Podiobooks.com that offers up serialized free audio books. We take any book² as long as the author/producer meets our technical requirements. Yes, they do the work. And we give these serialized audio book files away for free. And I call it a business model. Call me crazy.

But that's not what makes me a dick.

No, I was called that today by Mark Van Dyke³ after I rejected his third submission. He's been trying (?) to get those tech specs right since December 17, 2010. Trying may be a stretch, since I'm pretty sure he's never bothered to read the very clear guidelines we set forth on how submitted files need to be encoded, tagged and named. Nor has he taken the advice to use the Mentorship section of our community site. And it's a good bet that he's never looked up the definition of the world "serialized".

Now we're getting into why I'm a dick. Even though I think I was kind of nice.

Here's the email he sent me an hour ago upon receiving his third rejection notice from me⁴:

Your a dick and your service is lame at best!

PodioBooks is a shitty brand name to begin with and you are a prisssy little wimp hiding behind a keyboard ;)

Kiss it E... You should call your site FU-Audio Fairy-69.mp3

Asshole!

I think you could make a good argument either way on that last term. Salutation or invective? And the irony of being called out in email for hiding behind a keyboard pegs my Irony-O-Meter in the red.

So what did I say or do that infuriated him so? Well, after the third file failed to meet our standards, I took a listen to the file (first time, as I usually wait until they hit the tech specs -- he still hadn't -- and then listen and provide suggestions on how to make their audio sound better) and sent him this note:

OK, Mark. Something is getting lost in the translation. We have some very, very exacting standards on how files should be named (you've finally got that), how they should be encoded (missed), and how the ID3 tags should be completed (complete and total miss).

But before we go much further, is what you are planning on putting on our site nothing more than a 17 minute long infomercial for your company? Because we do serialized audio books here. Not infomercials. Serialized, meaning more than one episode delivered over time, in a series, until the work is completed. Audio book, as in an narrated version of a book. Not a sales brochure.

Let me know if I've misjudged, but it sure doesn't sound like we're a fit for one another.

E.

Dickish? A bit. But those who know me will attest to my much greater propensity for dickish behavior. This was, by all accounts, rather tame.

Mark, it seems, runs a service with the ingenious if not poor-grammar-laden brand name of "Sell House Fast For Quick Cash" (dot com, you might imagine)⁵. His intent seems to be using my website to place his infomercial in the ears of the thousands of audiobook listeners who frequent our site. Because I'm sure all of them need to sell house fast for quick cash, donchaknow.

Well Mark, if you're reading this (or in your native language "if your reading this"), I'm sorry it didn't work out. And by "work out" I mean it's a damned shame that you didn't bother do a little homework to see if we were a fit for what you wanted to do. It's not like you're an author, which should have been an initial clue. Beyond that, I give out lots of tools to make sure submitted files are rock solid before submitting.

But hey, at least you gave me something to blog about tonight. Good luck in the sells of house for the quick cashes business. Hey, I think that domain is available, too!

Huh. Turns out I am a dick after all.

<sup>1- With the help of many, many talented people who got it started, keep it running, keep it populated, and are building our our future site. Thank you all!

2 - Well, almost any. No hate speech. Nothing that will get someone killed. And no sales brochures, now. More about that on the post I made on the Podiobooks.com blog.

3 - No names were change to protect the not-so-innocent.

4 - These are exact copy-and-pastes. No edits. Why, when it's this great?

5 - No, I'm not providing a link. That gives them a boost, and while they may have a fine service for those who do need to "sell house fast for quick cash", I think it's only fair I not provide that boost. Not after being called "prissy", most certainly!</sup>

Why my movie watching habits are better than yours

I clearly am not the target for Hollywood movie studios. Of the some 500 movies that came out this year, I've seen eight. Eight. Rarely do I bother paying any attention to the Oscars, as I've likely not seen any of those up for best picture. This isn't a new phenomenon. I thought Full Metal Jacket was comedic, didn't waste my time with Titanic, and still get Goodwill Hunting and Cider House Rules confused.

It seems I'm not all that mainstream. Go figure. But I do enjoy movies. Sometimes that movie is one currently being enjoyed by the masses. But more often than not... not. Here's what I've seen or am planning on seeing this year:

• Shutter Island - Knew something was wrong 10 minutes in. Figured out Di Caprio was an inmate in half an hour, then spent the rest of the movie wondering how they'd tie it together. It was OK.
  
• Kick Ass - Pretty fantastic overall. Ending was meh. I'll likely end up owning this one.
  
• The Karate Kid - Hey, it was this or some crappy M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movie. 7-year-old niece/nephew combos must at times be appeased.
  
• The A-Team - A good romp. More a re-imagining than a remake, since I have a stanch NO REMAKES policy. Don't take your physics book with you.
  
• Inception - I liked this because it kept me guessing. But in hindsight, it sure seemed a long way to go for the desired outcome.
  
• Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World - Major disappointment here. It's almost as if I'm not enough of a geek to have enjoyed it. Sorry.
  
• Jackass 3D coming soon - Sometimes, you have to let the id have its day. Don't make fun, or I'll punch you in the junk. With a SCUBA tank filled with Cool-Whip™ or something equally as unexpected.
  
• Tron: Legacy coming soon - The expectation bar is set rather high on this one. I want "Empire Strikes Back", not "Beneath Planet of the Apes", OK? Or there will be hell to pay.

But as I look back -- and forward -- at those, they all pale in comparison to my two favorite movies by far for 2010:

• The Human Centipede
  
• Machete

[caption id="attachment_1522" align="alignleft" width="128" caption="One of my favorite films in 2010 that you probably won\'t see."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1523" align="alignleft" width="128" caption="Another of my favorite films in 2010 that you probably won\'t see."][/caption]

I love these movies primarily for the same reason: You probably didn't want to see them until some nutjob like me started going on ad nauseum about them. And then you probably still didn't go see either. That is why I love these movies. They are polarizing. Much like Snakes on a Plane, you know in a moment if that's a movie you want to see or not, and no amount of cajoling from those on the other side will cause you to waver in your decision. That. Is. Cool.

Both are made of awesome. Both are a kind of movie making and story-telling I deeply enjoy. And neither will be represented at this years Oscars. And I love that.

The Perfect Cuban Mojito

It's hot. And to combat the heat, I've created the Perfect Cuban Mojito. No, it doesn't use white rum. It doesn't use piles of sugar. And no, you probably won't like it. But if you like drinks the way I like drinks, please enjoy.

Evo's Perfect Cuban Mojito

• Dark rum, probably by some distiller you've never heard of
  
• Powdered sugar
  
• Seltzer water
  
• Key lime juce
  
• Fresh spearmint
  
• Ice, from a tray. Not a machine. Or a bag. You pussy.

Take four (4) leaves of fresh spearmint and add them to a highball glass. Add one (1) heaping teaspoon of powdered sugar and cover with one (1) shot of fresh Key lime juice. Find something to mash it around with. You aren't trying to pulverize. Simply mash to release the flavor of the spearmint.

Add three cubes of ice, two (2) shots of dark rum that doesn't rhyme with "Brock Hardy" and two (2) shots of seltzer. Add in a new fresh sprig of spearmint to look cool. Stir gently. Drink. Beat the heat.

Happy 4th.

The magic of Trololo

I went from hating this, to not being able to get it out of my head, to loving this.

And because I continue to run into people who've not experience the awesomeness that is Trololo...



There's also version for people on ludes, ecstasy, and LSD. Yes, each one is a different experience.

I love the internets.

More video silliness: Twitter Uncovered: History and Monetization Revealed!

It's been one of those months. Sorry. But though I've been neglecting the blog, I've not been neglecting fun.

Here's a bit of stupidity that Jeff and I came up with some time ago that has finally been green-lit. Green-lighted? Green-lanterened? Anyhow, it's all about the little-known monitization angle and history of Twitter.



Or maybe we just made it all up. My money is on the latter.

And if you missed what kicked this off, here's the two of us pontificating on social media. Yes, we're serious about being not serious some times. And all the props go to Joe Holt for shooting and editing. He truly is the man.

My inner math geek mucks up business metaphors

Image by Beni Ishaque Luthor via Flickr

My inner math geek squirms a bit each time I pass along this equation:

CwF + RtB = $$

That's inspired by Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails and simplified to the above by Mike Masnick of TechDirt. It describes the approach Nine Inch Nails is taking to marketing and business in the hyper-connected world. A world where -- at least for creatives -- fans are finding ways to bypass the big labels and houses for their purchases. And for many, it's working. But back to my inner squirming.

The equation isn't mathematically sound¹. CwF means Connect with Fans. It's not a hard value, but it does represent the whuffie your business² has built up with your key consumers over time. It doesn't happen overnight. It's more than just having a blog. And it's different for every single business out there, so stop trying to duplicate and start trying to learn and apply.

RtB is a Reason to Buy. It starts with an opportunity to buy. Examine the purchasing process from the eyes of a customer. Do you have more than one? Do you have your products and services in every venue where you customers might what to buy? But it doesn't end there. You have to give people a reason to buy. Price can be a reason, but only if I want it. And then only if you're the cheapest. Reasons are different for every business, so take my same advice on resisting the urge to copy. Apply instead.

Both CwF and RtB are worthy topics that require deep dives on their own. This short blog post won't do it. And I want to get back to my mathematical squirming.

In reality, neither one of the two variables can be zero. If you never connect with your fans, the fantastic reasons to buy won't make you any money. Or if you relentlessly connect but never give an opportunity or reason to purchase, you won't make any money. And that's my problem with the equation.

I think CwF * RtB = $$ is better, though I'm not sure if the data would support it. And now I'm going way too far in the weeds with this, so I'll stop now before I have to break out a Calculus book.

How are you connecting with fans and giving them a reason to buy?


<sup>1 - Yes, I know it's just a metaphor and I should just relax. But you obviously don't know me.

2 - When I say business, I mean business. If you're selling something (note the $$ at the end of the equation), then you are in business. Not a big one, but it's business.</sup>

Trying not to get punched in the face

Hugh MacLeod is very smart. I don't know the man in any way other than reading his blog or looking at his back-of-business-card art, but the smarts shine through.

Today, in this photo, he's accurately represented how I've been feeling for some time now:



And in a strange twist of fate, I'm once again getting more involved in the evil world of marketing and advertising. Hopefully, with less face-punching. More on that in a future post.

If you like Hugh's art, you'll soon be able to get it and more. That one is part of the IGNORE EVERYBODY: Cube Grenades series. Going on sale soon.

Maybe you shouldn't vote.

I am quite possibly the worlds most apathetic voter.

But did you see the key word in that phrase? Voter.



But hey, maybe you shouldn't vote.

Passing on from Matt Selznick.

Something to be proud of

Damn skippy.



From xkcd.

Suicide Girls on Comic Con

I so badly wanted to tweet this sentence from a Suicide Girls report on the first impressions of Comic Con , but it was well over the 140 character limit.

On the train to SD, I saw a gentleman reading a novel with a dragon on the front and immediately understood that he was probably never going to feel the inside of a woman.

The rest of the article is less-lethal. But DAMN!

Unintentional consequences of social media

Yesterday I tweeted about an incident involving one of my favorite food establishment and an unfortunate outbreak of Hep A. It wasn't a store in my local area. I had no immediate connection to the happenings and I'm honestly not at all concerned it can/will happen to me, though it certainly could. No, I tweeted it out because I wanted to bring the funny, and by accounts from others I was successful in my mission.

But it bugged me all day.

Food-born illness is a serious concern in our way life. I get that. But there isn't a doubt in my mind that the incident mentioned was isolated and in no way linked to the food handling standards of the institution. Forgive the pun, but shit happens. It's not an epidemic. It's not a blatant violation of safety standards. It's probably one lone (again pardon the pun) dipshit responsible -- and likely not intentional. Mass-hysteria isn't the best reaction. Calls for company-wide investigations and more strict regulations of the entire industry (yes, I read Fast Food Nation) probably aren't going to help curb this in the future. As I said before, shit happens.

Yet I propagated the story via my tweet, lending fuel to the fire and my name to a growing list of pundits and activists demanding someone take action. I didn't want to do that. I don't feel that way. I just wanted to be funny. (And no, I'm not linking to the tweet. You can back up in my Twitter stream to find it if you must. It wasn't that funny).

On zombies, praise and the Easter Chicken.

First, happy Zombie Day. Don't get offended. It's not like I'm walking around town with a clapboard. And you chose to come here, so you should be used to it by now.

Major props go out to JC Hutchins, the man, the myth, the fucker that owes me a beer for his unsolicited praise of me and my brother from another mother Chris Miller (who I get to meet for the first time ever in person in a few hours!). More snark, wit, sarcasm on the way, with a healthy dose of "thought-provoking" commentary coming. 'Cuz I've been growing more and more impatient as of late. Hell, could I be turning into Loren Feldman, a guy who is quickly becoming a personal hero of mine?

Discover some eggs for me, kids. That bunny ain't got nothin' on the Easter Chicken.

Markteing is for assholes

Seriously. Why bother posting anything to this website when Hugh MacLeod has all the insights?




So says a person guilty of being an asshole. But I'm trying to change. Not from being an asshole. Just from doing asshole marketing.

Reflection on the future

It's been a while since you've heard from me. Today I leave you with this small exception:



A Softer World is my most favoritest web-comic. It speaks to me. Some days more than others.

Seriously considering ROFLCon

I've decided to approach my 2008 convention schedule with significantly more thought and care than previously. On the top of my list of I CAN HAZ is ROFLCon. Teh funny, to be sure!

I reached out to the organizers today to see if the whole podiobook movement is worthy of inclusion or not. As I told them, we're not Tay Zonday, but we too move away from the mic when we breathe.

Regardless of the result, I'm giving the event serious consideration.

This is the ongoing record of an effort to assemble every famous internet meme or celebrity to come to Harvard in the spring of 2008 to attend a conference.

Presumably, they're going to talk about fame online.

But with Homestar Runner and Dinosaur Comics coming and Goatse on the guest list, getting there is going to be about 80% of the fun

Party like a rockstar

ROFLCon 2008. Go ahead and block off April 25th & 26th. And someone near Cambridge MA clear off some floor space for me.

Good thinking

Good thinking

Originally uploaded by l0ckergn0me

Nabbed this from Chris Pirillo's Flickr photo feed.

I have nothing more to add, other than:

Can I get a Hell yeah!

I'm going to make my own version of this sign and plaster it to my door.

My kind of humor

I'm not a huge fan of comics -- either online or off. But I have been following A Softer World for a while. They make it easy for me, putting the image right in their RSS feed. Love that!

I felt the need to share their most recent:



What kind of funny do I like? This kind.