I've been called a dick by better people than you

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="375" caption="this is a giant cock by permanently scatterbrained, on Flickr"][/caption]As it turns out, I'm a dick.

Some background for the uninitiated: I run¹ a website called Podiobooks.com that offers up serialized free audio books. We take any book² as long as the author/producer meets our technical requirements. Yes, they do the work. And we give these serialized audio book files away for free. And I call it a business model. Call me crazy.

But that's not what makes me a dick.

No, I was called that today by Mark Van Dyke³ after I rejected his third submission. He's been trying (?) to get those tech specs right since December 17, 2010. Trying may be a stretch, since I'm pretty sure he's never bothered to read the very clear guidelines we set forth on how submitted files need to be encoded, tagged and named. Nor has he taken the advice to use the Mentorship section of our community site. And it's a good bet that he's never looked up the definition of the world "serialized".

Now we're getting into why I'm a dick. Even though I think I was kind of nice.

Here's the email he sent me an hour ago upon receiving his third rejection notice from me⁴:

Your a dick and your service is lame at best!

PodioBooks is a shitty brand name to begin with and you are a prisssy little wimp hiding behind a keyboard ;)

Kiss it E... You should call your site FU-Audio Fairy-69.mp3

Asshole!

I think you could make a good argument either way on that last term. Salutation or invective? And the irony of being called out in email for hiding behind a keyboard pegs my Irony-O-Meter in the red.

So what did I say or do that infuriated him so? Well, after the third file failed to meet our standards, I took a listen to the file (first time, as I usually wait until they hit the tech specs -- he still hadn't -- and then listen and provide suggestions on how to make their audio sound better) and sent him this note:

OK, Mark. Something is getting lost in the translation. We have some very, very exacting standards on how files should be named (you've finally got that), how they should be encoded (missed), and how the ID3 tags should be completed (complete and total miss).

But before we go much further, is what you are planning on putting on our site nothing more than a 17 minute long infomercial for your company? Because we do serialized audio books here. Not infomercials. Serialized, meaning more than one episode delivered over time, in a series, until the work is completed. Audio book, as in an narrated version of a book. Not a sales brochure.

Let me know if I've misjudged, but it sure doesn't sound like we're a fit for one another.

E.

Dickish? A bit. But those who know me will attest to my much greater propensity for dickish behavior. This was, by all accounts, rather tame.

Mark, it seems, runs a service with the ingenious if not poor-grammar-laden brand name of "Sell House Fast For Quick Cash" (dot com, you might imagine)⁵. His intent seems to be using my website to place his infomercial in the ears of the thousands of audiobook listeners who frequent our site. Because I'm sure all of them need to sell house fast for quick cash, donchaknow.

Well Mark, if you're reading this (or in your native language "if your reading this"), I'm sorry it didn't work out. And by "work out" I mean it's a damned shame that you didn't bother do a little homework to see if we were a fit for what you wanted to do. It's not like you're an author, which should have been an initial clue. Beyond that, I give out lots of tools to make sure submitted files are rock solid before submitting.

But hey, at least you gave me something to blog about tonight. Good luck in the sells of house for the quick cashes business. Hey, I think that domain is available, too!

Huh. Turns out I am a dick after all.

<sup>1- With the help of many, many talented people who got it started, keep it running, keep it populated, and are building our our future site. Thank you all!

2 - Well, almost any. No hate speech. Nothing that will get someone killed. And no sales brochures, now. More about that on the post I made on the Podiobooks.com blog.

3 - No names were change to protect the not-so-innocent.

4 - These are exact copy-and-pastes. No edits. Why, when it's this great?

5 - No, I'm not providing a link. That gives them a boost, and while they may have a fine service for those who do need to "sell house fast for quick cash", I think it's only fair I not provide that boost. Not after being called "prissy", most certainly!</sup>

Dashing new shoes

Like any good husband, I can't say no to my wife. That's why I'm doing the Warrior Dash in April. Take a 5K run, mix it with a load of obstacles (yeah, obstacles) starting at the halfway mark, toss in a dash of Viking-inspired hats, and you've got the run. Oh, and a beer at the end. So that's something. Though I think it's shitty beer. May bring my own.

And at 10:30 on Sunday April 30th, I'll be joining other dumb-asses in this self-induced torture.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="New Kicks"][/caption]Training has been going less-than-spectacularly. Shin-splints like I've never suffered before. Like would just rather lie down and chop my legs off painful. Seriously ouch.

So I took a quick poll of the conventional wisdom (yeah, not very skeptical of me) and decided to invest in some quality running shoes. Saucony brand from The Running Store for those keeping track. I've made two trips in them so far and can say (yes, I know it's an anecdote) that my shins feel much better. That's a good thing, since I spent a couple of weeks' groceries on the damned shoes.

I really struggled with posting this here. This blog is ostensibly about the fun things I'm doing. And right now, this whole running thing isn't anywhere near fun. In fact, it's so far from fun that light from fun takes millions of years to reach it.

But I shall persevere. Or die. In pain.

A night to remember - Ignite Phoenix After Hours

On Friday night, I talked about titties. Not any specific titties, you understand, but titties in general and how our perceptions toward titties have changed over time. Confused? Maybe you're not paying close enough attention.

[caption id="attachment_1589" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ignite Phoenix After Hours"][/caption]Friday night was the inaugural Ignite Phoenix After Hours event. I'm a seasoned vet of the Ignite format and a frequent speaker at Ignite Phoenix. The Ignite Phoenix crew have been batting around the idea of an adult-themed evening for years. Since the very first Ignite Phoenix in the summer of 2008, more than a few submissions each time are a bit over the PG-13 line they strive to maintain. Fast forward 2.5 years, and they said "fuck it, let's put on a grown-ups-only show".

And Ignite Phoenix After Hours was born.

And I knew immediately that I must speak at the event about a true passion of mine. That's right: titties.

[caption id="attachment_1590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Evo on Titties Through The Ages"][/caption]So I did. My talk was "Titties Through The Ages", and it seemed to be a hit with the crowd. Unlike prior and "normal" Ignites, the presentations were not videoed and said non-existent videos will not be made available on the Ignite Phoenix YouTube channel, website or any other officially sanctioned place. Some of the presenters stepped well outside of their comfort zone and aren't all that keen on having their name and their topic be forever enshrined by The Google.

Me? Not worried about that at all. I've done and said enough stupid things in front of a mic or camera more times than I can count. So if anything, this well-polished and thought out presentation might knock some of those less-planned outbursts down a notch or two.

So with that, a video of my talk recorded live is below. (Warning: It takes a while to load!) You won't see me too much, as it was dark in the club and the screen behind me pretty bright. It's also tough to hear sometimes as the crowd was inches away from me and raucous to the extreme.



The funny thing is -- my talk was rather tame. Some of the ladies got up there and discussed other female body parts with much more abandon than I. And one G.I. surgeon discussed all the things he's pulled out of peoples' asses over the years. No, it wasn't all dirty talk. Others talked about tripping, drinking and driving, skepticism, zombies... and Lenny Bruce. A well rounded evening, I think!

Yes, they'll be doing #IPAH again. And yes, you'll want to go next time. Unless you're easily offended. Then... not so much. But you probably aren't reading this blog post, are you?

Audio from Podcasting for Authors talk posted

Some of you haven't figured out that I don't post everything I do on this site. Yes, you're terribly confused and I've done a shitty job of making a clear delineation. I know... I know...

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Me and Dani Cutler - Podcamp AZ 2010"][/caption]So here's a quick note to say that I've posted the audio of my Podcasting for Authors talk last weekend at PodCamp AZ 2010. It was captured, edited and hosted by the supremely cool Dani Cutler of the Truth Seekers political podcast. And it's over at my hopefully-not-at-all-douchey digital marketing site, A Simpler Way.

I'm not linking directly to the file here simply because it's a 50+ minute file and I don't want to be called a hypocrite. That's too damned long for a podcast episode. And this isn't a podcast episode. It's an audio file. If you want it, follow the links. Authors interested in using digital marketing to grow their fan base may find it of value. The rest of you... not so much.

I Can Hear Clearly Now The Ring Is Gone

I'm in love with this man. Call it a bromance if you like, but he's done for me things no one else can. Specifically, he's given me back my appreciation for music.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="332" caption="George and Slau by Skepticality - truth in podcasting"][/caption]

That's Slau. (No, the one in the jacket. The other one is George. I've talked about him plenty in the past. Look it up.) Professional recording engineer, musican and friend, I called Slau recently when I was looking to upgrade my headphones. You see, I can't hear for squat. Partly genetics, partly stupidity when I was younger, but I've lost the ability to discern subtle audible changes. That causes no end of grief for my wife and co-workers. Yes, I've become my grandfather.

As you might have heard, I do the podcasting thing. Before that, I was in radio. Before that, I was in a semi-pro band. Before that, I was a recording engineer. Back when editing was done with a razor blade. No, not kidding. That's a slightly broken chain of occupations and avocations over 25 years where I spent time -- a lot of time -- with a pair of headphones clamped to my ears. Yet for the last five years or so, I've been getting by with the crappy ear buds that came with my MP3 player. That changed today.

Today I got in my new pair of Sony MDR7506 headphones, on Slau's recommendation. And for the last two hours, I've been re-discovering my music collection. Holy crap, have I been missing things.

For years I've been telling podcasters and home-recording neophytes that the very first piece of equipment they should purchase should be a good pair of headphones. But I wasn't taking my own medicine. So I took the plunge, dropping down a C-note on the MDR-7506s. It's about time I ate my own dog food, as they say.

I couldn't be happier. Yes, I could have spent more, but I didn't. A lot my hearing range is shot, so it doesn't make much sense for me to fork over close to a grand for some super serious 'phones. These do me fine. They fold up nicely to fit in a kickin' little bag, making them easy to transport to work, gigs... whatever. Though I don't gig any more, so they'll likely stay in the studio. Except for the times when I want to listen to music at home. And judging by tonight, that's going to happen more.

Thanks for the recommendation, Slau. I couldn't be happier! :)

Sometimes, you have to trust the bartender

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Sazerac Cocktail by ~dgies"][/caption]See if you know this one. Guy walks into an absinthe bar and orders a Manhattan. The bartender says "you want a Sazerac instead. It's like Manhattan, but made with rye and a dash of absinthe". Guy says, "What the hell."

That guy would be me. And that's the story of when Phil and I and our lovely wives went out tearing it up Saturday night in Boulder. Well, "tearing it up" may be taking things too far. But I did have a Sazerac, and I'm writing this blog post about it for no other reason than my attempt to not forget the name. Because it was damned good. And I have a shitty memory for things like names.

Let me say that I categorically do not like absinthe. It tastes like Nyquil™. I don't care for wintergreen because it tastes like Pepto-Bismol™. Whoever the hell first decided medicine-flavored candy and booze was a good idea is a moron. But back to the drink.

I'm not sure if I like rye whiskey. I probably do, but I don't have the necessary palate to discern what makes rye whiskey better -- or at least different -- from bourbon. Yeah, that's going to piss a lot of you off. Sorry. Not my intention. And I'm sure with a little coaching and guidance, I'd develop a taste for whiskey like I have for scotch, beer and tequila. Not that I need to develop the taste for yet another expensive sin.

But back to the drink. I let myself be lead down the path -- more like rolled down the path -- for a simple reason: I was in the Absinthe House in Boulder, and the bartender exuded confidence. It wasn't that he didn't have the stuff to make a Manhattan. He did. I saw all the necessary liquids on the shelf right near everything else. No, this guy knew that people who like Manhattans would probably like a Sazerac. But just to be safe, he floated the "rye whiskey" part out there in case I fancied myself a bourbon man. I do not.

And so... he made it. And I drank it. And more importantly, I liked it. No, I can't share the recipe with you. There are plenty online and I can't say for certain if any of them would match up to the caliber of the one I had. Hell, I can't even say for sure if the one I had was a good one or not. I can say that I liked it, and now I have another cocktail to order when the tap selection of a place leaves me wanting. Which is all too often.

The best science fiction author you probably aren't reading

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="The Evolutionary Void by Peter F. Hamilton"][/caption]On the plane coming home from Denver this weekend, I polished off The Evolutionary Void
by Peter F. Hamilton. It's the third and final (duh) story in the The Void Trilogy... and now I have to wait for new stuff. Dammit.

Peter is, by far, my favorite science fiction author. He weaves intricate plots and complex narratives to not just world-build, but to universe build. His books are long. He isn't big on exposition. And you need a fair understanding of real science and physics to get a full appreciation of his inferred science and physics.

And that's why I think I enjoy his work so. You have to think about it. Sure, it's science fiction, and you might consider scifi writing throw-away fiction. I get that. And I won't try and convince you otherwise. But the many works of Peter F. Hamilton are anything but throw-away for me. They delve deeply into what it means to be human. They explore connectivity and personal networks in expansive ways I can only hope we one day achieve. He takes on religion and "spirituality" without wavering one bit, weaving together the promise of both along with origin stories that are all-too believable. Much of his work causes me to go "Oh yeah, now I see the sort of events that could lead to some strange beliefs in a few thousand years..."

Murder. Mystery. Intrigue. Action. Love. Romance. It's all in there. In a science fiction novel. Yeah.

These are the type of stories where the word epic just isn't big enough to describe. These are stories that aren't for everyone. Heck, they probably aren't for most people, because many of the fiction book-readers I've met prefer fluff over substance. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And not that I don't occasionally enjoy the hell out of that type of story.

This ain't it. But if you think you'd like to try something a bit more challenging than the norm, I highly endorse PFH's work. All of his series can and do stand on their own, so you can start at the first book of any trilogy. Forget the idea of "linear" storytelling. This is much more fun!