Friday, July 30, 2010

Why I'm protesting Liberty Market in August

I'm a huge fanboi of Joe Johnston. He's the mastermind behind Liberty Market, Joe's Real BBQ and other iconic eateries past and present in the Phoenix area. And he's a super nice guy.

But this time, he's gone to far. And I'm registering a formal protest.

You see, I just found out that Joe and crew are launching "Burger Daze" at Liberty Market this Sunday. On that day, and following every day for the month of August, they're putting out one specialty burger. And it's only available on that day. They know how to do burgers right at Liberty Market.

But back to my protest. I'm protesting this on the following grounds:

Exhibit A: Liberty Market is too far from my house to drive there every day.
[caption id="attachment_1500" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="See how far away Liberty Market is from my house?"]See how far away Liberty Market is from my house?[/caption]Putting the pressure on me to drive that far each and every day during the month of August to enjoy each tasty burger is simply too much to ask. It goes well beyond reasonable and customary practices and borders on cruel and unusual punishment.



Exhibit 2: Like I need to add any more mass.
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="Weighting Game or Why My Ass Doesn't Need To Get Bigger"]Weighting Game or Why My Ass Doesn't Need To Get Bigger[/caption]I'm over two decades out of high school and am not proud of the fact that I've gained an average of 2 lbs. every year since then. Now with Joe pumping out a burger a day, I fully expect my mass to increase exponentially. Which means I'll weigh 896.4 lbs by September. Good thing I can't wear white after Labor Day.


Exhibit III: What am I made of money?
So there's the burger, the obligatory beer, maybe a coffee and most likely one of those GIANT cinnamon rolls... Now multiply that by 30 and you get just under the Gross National Product of Tuvalu. Dammit, Joe! I've got a kid in college and wife with expensive hobbies, man! One of them will have to be sold off to slavery for me to afford this!

So join me in protesting Liberty Market and their insidious "Burger Daze" next month. I figure the best place to protest is on-site. We'll get our message across that way better. And I hear they have some real tasty burgers in case we get hungry carrying those signs.

6 comments:

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Evo Terra, Marc Collins and Monkey Brad, cartelcoffeelab. cartelcoffeelab said: We'll be there gaining pounds w/ you! RT @evo_terra Why I’m protesting Liberty Market in August http://goo.gl/fb/AwJ4y | FunAnymore.com [...]

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  2. Jessica Fishell SadowayJuly 31, 2010 at 1:05 AM

    Haha! That made me laugh out loud. With all the protesting and political turmoil going on today, I was preparing myself for some outrageous crime against humanity and goodness like lion burgers or human trafficking. I should have known it was even more grave and sinister: FOOD SPECIALS.

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  3. I'm wondering what will be on your protest signs.

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  4. I'm just going to smear them with the juice from the burger that day so it reads "See what I'm missing?!"

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  5. [...] on a regular basis. After all, I live a lot closer to Liberty Market than Evo, who is whining about protesting the event.Liberty Market  (@LibertyMarket) 230 N. Gilbert Rd. (at Page St. between Guadalupe and [...]

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  6. This is the United States of America...we can never be too fat!

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