Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang, bang, I am the warrior
Well I am the warrior, and heart to heart you'll win..if you survive
the warrior....the warrior - Patti Smith
Waaaaariors, come out to plaaaay - Luther
3.4 miles of completely untrained for hell. That's what I did yesterday. Running? No sweat. For someone who actually prepared. Obstacles? Twelve that I managed despite never having so much as attempted a 2-inch vertical leap. But I finished, motherfuckers. Dressed as a Roman soldier, chasing Jesus. Like there was any other option?
The Warrior Dash is one of those things that at first sounds stupid, then kind of awesome, and winds up an incongruous mix of the two. I was in the 10:30am heat with a pile of other morons, some better prepared than others (like me.) 3.4 miles, 12 obstacles that bore only passing resemblance to the promised challenges, and the desire to do but one thing: finish.
Some running. Some walking. Some wondering what the hell motivated me to do something this stupid, but mostly thinking about all the things I'll do differently next year. Here they are:
- First day, first heat - I pity the fools who ran the course after us. And I weep openly for those to attempt it tomorrow. A few hundred people at a time every 30 minutes puts some serious wear on the track. I'm betting some parts are nearly non-navigable tomorrow. Next year, I'm going first.
- Portable shower - Now I like getting hosed down by an irrigation truck as much as the next guy, but it's not what I'd call efficient. I sluiced off at least 5 more pounds of mud when I got home.
- Destruction-proof camera - The finish line is pretty epic, but the opportunities to capture sheer stupidity on film mid-race are legion. Unsure I'll trust the baggies some folks used to carry their mobile devices.
- Naproxen - Because if I hurt this much 7 hours later this year...
- Caravan - This is a tailgaters dream. And while they don't allow you to bring in outside beer to the event pavilion, plenty of us were drinking in the parking log and no one gave us the evil eye. And since the free beer they gave us was FCW1 swill, I could have used a few more.
- More people - While we made it a family affair, this is an event that is conducive to hoards of your fellow malcontents.
Yes, I'll have fond memories of my first Warrior Dash. And more aches and pains that a man my age should have to deal with. Ever.
1 - Fucking close to water